well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
