It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
