Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
