Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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