im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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