I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
