so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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