In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
