you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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