I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
