I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
