dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
