It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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