he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Drunk is a universal language darling
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