so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
