After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
