By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
