i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
