Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
