everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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