I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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