Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
