The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
