Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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