having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
