I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
