seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
