everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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