we made out on top of his cat.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He better not be in your backpack
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
