I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
