ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
