I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
