my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
