fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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