FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
