my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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