i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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