I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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