I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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