So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
