Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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