nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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