Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
BRING THE BAGELS
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
FUCK WHALES
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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