What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
