Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
