after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
