It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
