He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Randomize
