Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
