Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
